Dear Fox News...

Dear Fox News,

So Roger Ailes "stepped down" yesterday. You and I both know that's a nice way of saying he "got the boot". I'm not sad -- after all, the guy is 76 years old. I'm no ageist -- look at me! I don't, however, understand why an old rich guy wants to stay on the job. I'm quite a few miles away from seventy-six and I want to retire tomorrow! And I don't even have any money!

But I digress. I will say, however, in the future, try not to hire a litigious "talent" who screams sexual harassment anytime she doesn't get her way. Maybe I'm biased, but I've read enough about this woman to know that this isn't the first time she's thrown down that particular flag. On the plus side, I no longer have to endure her vacuous news chatter.

I would like to take this time, now that you have a younger (ha!) CEO in charge, to let you know the things I like and dislike about your network. I wouldn't normally care, but yours is the only one we've got.

I'm a person who streams Fox News during my workday, and when I come home, I flip my TV to your channel instinctively. Therefore, I'm no novice viewer. I will, though, flip you off when I'm bored or irritated.

Here are some things that irritate me:

• Fox & Friends -- can't watch it. If I want tips for grilling the perfect burger, I can tune in to the Today Show. I watch a news channel for "news". Which leads me to:
• Give me news! You claim to be a news channel, but what you really mean is you are a talking heads channel. Know how hard it is for me to simply get the facts of an event? Analysis is great and all, but first let me understand what just happened.  
• You foisted Donald Trump on us and didn't even give us a choice. Sure, I know the other channels had him on endlessly, too, but c'mon -- admit you were pushing him from the very beginning. I was a Marco Rubio supporter and the way your opinion hosts denigrated him really irked me. The "Little Marco" comments that your people reveled in were, at the very least, disrespectful of a man who possesses substance, as opposed to your fanboy (and girl) favorite who has yet to give me one concrete idea for how he can ever possibly hope to govern. And the fact that some of your people are personal friends and/or minions of this moron nominee insulted my intelligence. I get it -- really. I know why O'Reilly, Hannity, Van Susteren, and Bolling promoted him so vehemently, at the expense of other more qualified candidates. Don't assume your viewers are idiots.
• Outnumbered. Maybe this concept began Ailes' downfall; I don't know. Or maybe he actually thought he was being "hip", creating a show with four cackling hens and one rotating dude for all of them to talk over. Tell me why I should listen to what these random Fox women have to say. What are their credentials? I'm old enough to have experienced the whole women's lib thing, but do you actually think this is a concept that conservative women celebrate? Give us some damn more credit than that. I'll gladly listen to what an intelligent man or woman has to say, but throwing together a gaggle of news readers, politicians' kids, former staff members of failed campaigns, really means nothing to me. 
• Endless book promotions. Does the Fox host exist who hasn't written a book? If it's Charles Krauthammer, sure, I'll be thrilled to read it. If it's Eric Bolling? Can the man actually string together a sentence? His performance on The Five leaves me with doubts.
• Sean Hannity. Luckily, I work an early shift, so I don't stay up late enough to watch his debacle. But I've unfortunately heard him on the radio, and I will hazard a guess that you execs at Fox like him because he's a "nice guy" in real life. Maybe he is. I know lots of nice guys, and if that's the bar we're reaching for, how about you choose one who has a modicum of intelligence? And isn't a Donald Trump lackey?
• Eric Bolling and Juan Williams. I used to listen to Juan during my public radio phase. He never interrupted his guests. I guess that's a new trait he's acquired since taking over for Bob Beckel. Too bad you guys let Bob go. He was like an eccentric uncle whose gross habits repelled us, but was still lovable and endearing in his own inimitable way. Bolling? You guys know he was relegated to the "slow" reading group in elementary school, right? But I guess he has "the look" for TV, and we viewers are such numbskulls, the right look is all we care about, really.   
• Laura Ingraham. I'll grant you, her speech at the Republican convention was spot-on, but her incomprehensible disdain for people like Marco Rubio drips like venom from her lips. Why not just replace her with Ann Coulter? Their sarcasm is interchangeable.
• Your utility players. How cheap are you? You rotate "commentators" through practically every show! Spend some bucks and hire fresh voices! You know, we're not in love with these people. I've got nothing against Karl Rove, but how about featuring someone who's a couple or three decades younger? I don't want to think my party is dying, but you are giving off that decaying whiff.

Of course, you guys do some good things, too. Your good things are:

• Bret Baier.
• Bret Baier's panel. I like Charles a bunch! I also like Jonah Goldberg, but you rarely have him on. Maybe his intelligence and wit intimidate you. Steve Hayes is a treasure. I also like Tucker Carlson, because he has a mind that actually functions. You need to have Brit Hume on more, though. I understand he's chosen to "semi-retire", but we viewers are hungering for more smart guys like him.
• Martha McCallum. 
• Bill O'Reilly. Okay, I know he is a close personal friend of Trump, but you gotta like the guy. He's intelligent; sure, a blowhard and an acquired taste, but he absolutely commands the airwaves. He often exasperates me, but he's like a comfortable pair of shoes -- a bit ragged, but reliable.
• Megyn Kelly. If I want to know the true scoop on a story, I watch Megyn's show. Her program actually breaks news, as opposed to feeding me mindless blah blah Trump blah Trump Trump. Megyn won't be around long -- she's going to move on and sell her soul to one of the liberal nets, and I'll never watch her because I don't watch those rags. But I appreciate that she's still on our side, for now.
• Greg Gutfeld. He often seems bored, but that may just be his pose. He's clearly the most intelligent of the Five bunch.

 I'm done yearning for a conservative start-up to challenge you guys. No one has stepped forward yet, so I'm guessing no one will. So, I'm rather stuck with you.

And you'd be okay with me if you'd simply get rid of the dead weight. As a "news" channel, how about giving us some news? I used to watch Neil Cavuto, but since he's been home recuperating, I've switched over to Jake Tapper, and I like him. He reminds me of what news is supposed to be. And he won't admit it, but he's a closet conservative.

I'll stick with you -- some of you -- for now. I don't know if I'll ever get over the Trump thing, but I'm giving you the benefit of the doubt. Warning, however:  Don't take us for granted. And you, of all conglomerates, shouldn't insult our intelligence.

Underestimating us is what drove us to Fox News to begin with.