What's The Deal With Iowa?

As a Midwesterner, I don't suffer from Iowa derangement like the media does. I've traveled to Iowa.  It's essentially non-nondescript. It's flat -- I'll give it that. If that's something. Iowa is like its neighbor to the north, my state; Minnesota, without the rivers and bluffs and left-wing newspaper rags.

Who decided that Iowa would be the decider of things? Is that fair? I mean, you guys (you Iowans) are apparently easily swayed. You like Ted Cruz. I, as a fellow committed conservative, don't care for him. He's maybe smart (everybody tells me he is), but he's an ass. Anybody who thinks he can lecture me and waggle his finger at me isn't getting my vote. But that's how I roll. I'm subversive that way.

Maybe I should get some say.  As it is, I get to vote up or down on somebody that you and New Hampshire have decided is the guy. New Hampshire -- the state that, as far as anybody knows, is next door to where Bob Newhart had his inn. It's cold; it's snowy. Been there; living that. Cold and snowy doesn't give anyone the cache of being omniscient. You, New Hampshire and Iowa, are just flush with the fake importance of candidates showing up on your snow banks and talking to you like they give a good God damn.

Frankly, they pick you because your states are small and easily maneuverable.

Oh, I grant you, you can winnow the field. You can sort out the chafe. But again, just ask me! I could do that! There are three candidates who have anything going -- Trump, Cruz (thanks to you), and Rubio.

There. I've settled it for you.

And I didn't even have to "caucus".

I've been informed that sixty per cent of Iowa caucusers are Evangelicals. Well, what about those of us voters who aren't? I don't show up on your church's doorstep and demand that you consecrate the Body of Christ, do I? That seems kind of rude and presumptive.

I say let's have a national primary. I rather resent being a foregone conclusion. I'd like to have some say. As do the other forty-eight of your brethren.

Every four years, I'm stuck voting for the guy you've chosen. And where exactly has that gotten us? Good job, Hawkeyes and...New Hampshire Skinny Trembling Men (or whatever your stupid-ass team nickname is, if you even have one).

Chalk that up as one more Republican National Committee blunder. It's a wonder we ever elected a conservative president in my lifetime.

Don't blow it, Iowa. I'm not all that taken with you to begin with. If I had to choose a simpatico neighbor, I'd be going with the North/South Dakotans, just so you know.